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I would kick the sheep off the cliff, if I weren’t the sheep

Alyc Helms

Name three fictional characters (male, female or other). I have to pick one to push off a cliff, one to shag, and one to marry. The characters can be from anything, just so long as they’re familiar in some way to me.

Published by Alyc Helms

44 thoughts on “I would kick the sheep off the cliff, if I weren’t the sheep”

    1. Can I shag *and* marry Kelson, in exchange for kicking the other two off the cliff?

      Irrylath is a putz, and I have absolutely no investment in Phedre no Delaunay (having never read the Kushiel series)

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      2. So I’ve been told, but I think that Laurell K. Hamilton ruined the idea of fantastic/gothic/erotica for me. I’m just really picky about what I find erotic (although moonandserpent has reminded me that I should really go back and re-read Zelazny’s _A Night in the Lonesome October_)

      3. Well, there’s the eroticism of it, but I also think you’d dig just the court politics and house system of d’Angeline society.

    1. LeBois gets the cliff, especially as Mach One
      Andre needs a good shagging where he *doesn’t* burst into flames
      And I’d marry Keoffrey even if he was dead

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    1. Umbridge would go off the cliff, cause she’d make such a lovely splat

      Olaf would get a quick, blindfolded, eyes-closed shag before quickly following Umbridge (Pre-emptive strike…if I married him he’d just try to toss me off the cliff…for the money, y’know)

      Gollum I’d keep, but I’d make sure I was his only “precious”

      Why can’t you give me good villains?

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      2. Bellatrix Lestrange would get the cliff, despite the fact that I recently realized how much I would love for the ever-sexy Claudia Black to play her

        I’d shag Rickman-Snape, and he would of course be invited over for sandwich fun anytime he wanted to with my fanon hubby Draco (as long as I can get Draco to wear the mountie uniform)

      1. Re: Just because I have to know

        But you asked for 3 with the intent of making choices. Get past principle since I’d like not to let you off that easily and I’m really interested how they rank.

      2. Re: Just because I have to know

        But, since they all share one psycho hive mind, they’re really one entity. I don’t eve know which one is George. Since you’ve only presented me with one choice (albeit one that has mild morphological variations), I can only choose one of the three options.

        Off the cliff they go.

        Whee!!!!!!

      4. Re: Just because I have to know

        ok, ok.

        George is Kyle
        Adrean is me
        Galatea is Kara

        And we do not share one hive mind in the end. We are our own individual entities with our own personal quirks and derangements.

      9. Re: And now, galatea speaks….

        And thus, my point is proven. To the cliff with all of you (Delaina too).

        Actually, I suppose I’m answering more as Elizabeth than as kitsune_den. Therefore, in the interest of fair play, I’d cliff Adrean, shag George and marry Galatea.

        Then I’d shove George and Galatea off the cliff too.

        And Delaina.

        Anyone else?

    1. Once again, this comes down to where in the fictional universe I’m drawing from. If you faced me with Brosnan’s Bond, Morrison’s Frost, and Manga Dr. Strange, I’d be hard pressed to choose between shagging and marrying all of them.

      To make things easier for me (since you didn’t specify which versions), I’m going to choose to toss funkadelic 70’s Dr.Strange off a cliff, shag the always cute but still vaguely misogynistic Brosnan Bond within an inch of both our lives, and settle down into a surreal (but always interesting) lifelong partnership with the ever seductive Ms. Frost of Morrison fame (Scott Summers can take a flying leap after Disco Strange).

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  6. Vlad Taltos
    Professor Snape
    Jack the Ripper (Or if you argue that Jack the Ripper somehow isn’t a fictional character, let’s pin it down with A Night in the Lonesome October’s Jack.)

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    1. Since I tossed all the malkavians off the cliff, can I keep all of these?

      S’pose not.

      Okay, the greasy git gets the grease, or something like that, meaning that Snape is going off the cliff (goodbye, Alan Rickman…*sniff*)

      Since it’s the Jack from Lonesome October (my favorite fictional Jack), Vlad is just going to have to settle for a slow, comfortable screw up against a variety of objects. Mainly because I despise facial hair.

      Jack and I will live happily ever after, ending apocalypses by slaughtering cthulu-impregnated prostitutes (cause you know that’s why he really did it).

      And I knew you wouldn’t let me down, and would give me my Jack as an option ;>

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      2. Assassins are always sexier than spies. Spy-assassins are even sexier. Immortal-undead-1000-year-old-goth-spy-assassins usually rate the highest, but then again, Kai wasn’t one of my options.

      5. I don’t know, man… Rachel’s hair has that awesome retro vibe that I dig since I love the 40’s. (There’s a show for VH1.)

        His hair just has…. lots of gel. 🙂

        Although he is goff as fuck and kicked a lot of ass. Certianly a space-ninja if there ever was one.

        You should introduce the locals to that show.

  7. crazy-sexy-hot/shag-bag-crag

    Lucious Malfoy (film version, as portrays by Jason Isaacs)

    Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale’s character from American Psycho)

    Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont (John Malkovich’s film version

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    1. Re: crazy-sexy-hot/shag-bag-crag

      that’s funny – because Valmont was one of my picks to moonandserpent, and I’ve just read this one! HA! Although I specified the epistolary, not the film…..
      *waves*

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    2. Re: crazy-sexy-hot/shag-bag-crag

      The elder Malfoy will almost always get the cliff, unless he’s paired with Malks. I don’t know why, but he just doesn’t quite do it for me.

      If you’d given me the book Valmont, I might have married him, but Malkovich is just a little to chimpanzee-looking for me to spend the rest of my life staring at, so it’s going to have to be a vicious shag for him, with lots of pillow talk.

      But Christian “Patrick Bateman” Bale. Oh the yumminess for years to come. And he likes 80’s music and Pacific Rim Fusion Cuisine. I think it’s destiny.

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    1. This is probably where she reveals she hasn’t seen “Faraway, So Close”. Although I can go on for hours about why Defoe’s “Emit Flesti” is unspeakably brilliant on a metaphorical and symbollic level… especially involving the Kabballah and the Tarot.

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      1. Ayup. But I really can’t see Defoe playing to my Luciferian preference. Too skeezy looking (ditto with Viggo)

        I mean, c’mon guys. He’s GOD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL AND PERFECT CREATION. Evil was never so tempting. That’s the point!

        Willem Dafoe?

        I don’t think so.

      2. Well, he’s more “the Devil” than “Lucifer” in that flick. And a more grounded, earthy (time/matter/malkuth) kind of guy.

        And ah-ha! I knew you were really a Lucifarian instead of a Reconciler!

        🙂

    2. Hmm…well, Wincott’s Crow character is the only one I’m familiar with, so I reserve the right to boot the other two off the cliff and shag and marry him. He’s another one that’s allowed to talk all he wants.

      I love that voice. Like 30-year single-malt poured over broken glass. Mmmmm….

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      1. I should have also specified that it was the 60’s version of Emma Peel – not the Uma Thurman. She’s from The Avengers and is *so* hawt and intelligent. English secret agent who runs around in a vinyl catsuit doing karate and kicking foes in the face with 6 inch spiked black boots. sigh.

        oh, sorry. back to reality –
        I *so* agree with you on Wincott. god DAMN that voice. whew!

      2. yeah…it’s a similar situation to some of the other possibilities people have brought up…I’ve vaguely heard of her, but have no direct experience and therefore no real investment.

  9. Broadway Favorites

    Well, if you all will go to TV series (I love Emma Peel in Avengers), I’ll have to add the Broadway fictionals

    Mr. Applegate (the devil in Damn Yankees)
    Sky Masterson (male lead in Guys & Dolls)
    Tony (male lead in West Side Story)

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    1. Re: Broadway Favorites

      Blech, blech and blech.

      C’mon mom. Were those the best broadway babes you could come up with? Where’s my Phantom? Where’s my Pimpernel? Heck, where’s my Orin Grevello, DDS?

      I claim a daughter’s perogative to kick all three off the cliff and hope for better choices to fall from the skies like pennies from Heaven

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